John Travolta Is Not Gay!

In case you didn’t notice, I’ve been away for a while. And I know what you’re thinking, I was probably in jail getting in a serious relationship with my jailmate Bubba. But the truth is far more boring;

Connectivity issues and someone saying I posted a picture I wasn’t supposed to. So lets start with a bang and say some shit that will get me in trouble with the scientologists’ lawyers, shall we?

This started on Monday, when a male masseuse filed a lawsuit against Travolta for sexual harrassment. I could go into details and even post scans of the suit itself, but this was Monday, so if you haven’t seen the whole “bouncing erect penis” all over the media, you don’t deserve the hilarity.

In any case, a few days ago a second guy came out to say the same thing — Travolta is a male cougar I guess! And on top of things, a third man jumped into the bandwagon today. According to Radar Online:

Chilean-born Fabian Zanzi alleges Travolta accosted him while he was working on the Royal Caribbean cruise ship in 2009

Zanzi told South American news website ABC.es that Travolta said, “He had something on his neck. I thought it was a fuzz. As I approached, he took off his white coat and was naked. He hugged me and asked me to do a massage.” Zanzi alleges that Travolta offered $12,000 to have sex with him, but he says he refused.

And I call bullshit on this one, because if Travolta wanted to fuck this guy, he would’ve pointed out the window. Why? Well, because that’s where Xenu would’ve been waiting in order to freeze him until Travolta was done sodomozing him for the greater good. I think. I’m not entirely sure on what scientologists believe, but I bet it’s kinky.

In any case, here’s a picture that proves that John Travolta isn’t gay. He’s more interested into spaceship shaped cake. Nothing gay about it.

 

Alicia Silverstone Thinks She’s A Bird

A few days ago, I stumbled on a website that claimed that Alicia Silverstone regurgitates the food in her son’s mouth. You can read that sentence again all you want,you read it right the first time.

But, since I haven’t seen that site before, I simply figured they were like The Sun, that when there’s nothing to report they just come up with preposterous bullshit. So I decided not to write about it, because this blog is about serious journalism, right?

In any case, now Radar Online confirms this story:

Alicia Silverstone makes no apologies for the video in which she chewed up food and fed her 11-month-old son Bear Blu mouth-to-mouth.

Because naming your son Bear Blu isn’t denigrant enough, you also have to spit chewed food in his mouth and film it. But she continues!

 “People have been feeding their kids that way for thousands for years. It’s a weaning process. It’s just a thing that has been going on for thousands of years and I didn’t think I was inventing anything…”

I don’t know what kind of people hang around with this bitch, or what type of  books she grabbed, because I’m pretty sure people don’t do that. As far as I know people breast feed, then give the baby pureed food USING A FUCKING SPOON.

So my conclusion is that she bellieves to be a giant mutant bird. I can’t wait for next week, when she’ll say “I don’t regret throwing my baby from a tree, pigeons need to learn how to fly!” And then she’ll start flapping her arms and running around. But don’t fret, it’s Hollywood, so everyone will think it’s fucking normal.

Here’s a picture of her and her mom, which for some reason makes me think maybe I’m judging too much.

Kate Upton Is Awesome (Part Whatever)

Because I’m not a complete douchebag, I just showed you a zombie porn star that gives nightmares and I want to redeem myself. And since I haven’t had Kate Upton featured in a while. Here she is, dressed as a  bunny, playing with her tits, getting easter eggs between them and playing around some more.

I’m pretty sure this fixes all the bullshit I’ve posted today.

Jenna Jameson Lost It

While Christie Brinkley is looking hotter than ever at the age of 58, I can’t say the same for Jenna Jameson, who is 20 years younger.

I have nothing against porn, but for fuck’s sake, she looks like the premiere of the third season of The Walking Dead. This is kinda depressing, because she used to be really hot, like in these NSFW pictures

I know, the Howard Stern movie came out 15 years ago, but that means she had to spend all those years on heroin and crack to look like this.

Fuck it.

I got a full batch of these pictures, but who’d want to look at them. So here’s the only good thing that could come out from the whole ordeal. It’s pretty much like Snow White.

 

Christie Brinkley Seriously Still Has It

I’m pretty sure you all think I’m a fifteen year old, but the truth is, I’m thirty two and really immature. I had to accept that eventually.

My point is, I’m old enough to remember who the fuck is Christie Brinkley. She was the hot blonde driving the Ferrari in the “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movies. At least in two. She’s certainly in the one when Chevy Chase was still funny and in another one where he already was a hack.

But I digress, the point here is that people my age probably jerked off more than once to this woman. And I have to say, she kinda looks hotter now? She’s fifty eight years old, people, and she does look like this.

Screw it. Here are the pictures, I’ll take a couple to the bathroom and be young again.

Jennifer Lawrence Hates Animals

 

She probably doesn’t hate animals, but that’s what the morons at PETA are claiming now. This all started with an interview in the latest Rolling Stone Magazine were she said: (via the Huffington Post)

She recounts her on-screen squirrel-skinning scene in the 2010 movie “Winter’s Bone.”

“I should say it wasn’t real, for PETA. But screw PETA,”

Awesome. Because seriously, screw PETA. I’m really starting to love this chick. Of course, these morons have lit firecrackers in their asses, so when they found out she said that, they had to reply with something stupid! Right? Right.

In response to the actress’s comment, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk told Gothamist, “[Lawrence] is young and the plight of animals somehow hasn’t yet touched her heart. As Henry David Thoreau said, ‘The squirrel you kill in jest, dies in earnest.’ We are told that this squirrel was hit by a car, but when people kill animals, it is the animals who are ‘screwed,’ not PETA, and one day I hope she will try to make up for any pain she might have caused any animal who did nothing but try to eke out a humble existence in nature.”

Oh, just shut the fuck up. You make some hyperbolic hippy statement that makes no sense and you want to be taken seriously? Fuck you, Ingrid. Seriously, go fuck yourself somewhere in the woods and stay there, you are worthless scum.

She claims that the squirrel was killed in a fucking accident, then she goes on about how Jennifer Lawrence should attone for the harm she has caused? What the fuck does that even mean?!

Lawrence deserves a monument. A golden statue of herselff. Naked. And I should be allowed to touch it. Maybe spoon with it too at night. And I better stop right there because I’m getting more creepy than usual.

 

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt Hunts With Food Now

Because she’s a favorite in the site and she’s completely bananas, here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt wacky moment of the week!

Last month she was on Maxim, and said she didn’t know why men didn’t hit on her. But don’t worry, crazy bitches are adaptable creatures and she has a new strategy to lure men into her paws and the hell of marriage. She tells US Weekly

“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck,”  “Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!'”

Oh, crap. We’re fucked guys. The next thing we’ll know is that she’ll be placing giant boxes all over the city, and as soon we grab the Big Mac under them we’ll be trapped. Then she’ll wait until we’re cold, and hungry and offer to super-size the next one if we marry her.

But her strategies don’t end there. She adds:

“I love Booty Parlor’s Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Breath Spray,” she says. “You never know when a make-out moment is coming!”

“I told you! Make-out only after I finish my burger, woman!”

Basically: She stuffs you with food and then makes you want to fuck her. She has all the bases covered it seems. If it was me, with a sandwich would be enough for going steady, at least for a month. But it’s good to know that she’s aiming higher.

Anne Hathaway Is A Little Boy Now

I always hated women with short hair, they need to have a very special type of face to pull it off, and Anne Hathaway doesn’t have it. The weirdest part is that she comes from playing Catwoman in the next Batman film, and the Catwoman in the comics does have short hair, and she’s super hot.

Fuck. That made me look like a complete geek, didn’t it?. I swear, I don’t read comics, someone just told me. Yeah! That’s it. Phew! That nerdy looking guy who just happened to pass by gave me this info.

In any case, it seems like a big deal, because she can’t stop rubbing her head. I can understand the feeling, it happened to me, once. Except that in my case I shaved my balls. And it itched. And for some reason if you’re scratching your junk near a highschool people will call the police.

But enough about me, the point here is that she looks awful. I bet Batman would say “Screw you Selina, I’d go fuck Talia and have a kid with her, you suck!”

Wait. How did I know that? Geez! Shut the fuck up you random nerd who walks by and tells me shit I don’t care about!

 

Site Update And The Retarded Policeman

I’m pretty sure nobody noticed the lack of posts last week, but truth be told: There wasn’t many.

I can make up a lot of really good excuses which would involve sex, my huge penis and Sofia Vergara. Unfortunatelly, you would call my bluff and I’d look retarded.

Speaking of which: Here’s one of the latest episodes of Retarded Policeman, the creepy and hilarious web-show starring Josh “Ponceman” Perry. I could make a  point on how wrong it seems to have a guy with down syndrome making graphic cum jokes, but that would make me an idiot because the guy is perfectly aware of what he’s doing as an actor. Enjoy!

 

Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook

This is one of those bits of news that shouldn’t surprise anyone by now. According to People Magazine:

As long as she stays out of trouble, Lindsay Lohan’s days in criminal court have finally come to an end.

Nearly five years after the first of her two DUI arrests – and after multiple stints in rehab, at least five trips to jail and a necklace theft case – Lohan, 25, has satisfied her probation terms in her drunk driving case.

“She has done everything this court has asked of her,” Judge Stephanie Sautner said Thursday.

She’s such a responsible person. After you get arrested multiple times for drunk driving, the state of California will demand you go to rehab for a few days and start drinking and driving again as soon as you get out. Either that, or they tend to forgive everything if you’re rich and famous. But we don’t want to say that the system doesn’t work when it comes to celebrities, do we?

the judge did give the actress a final warning, albeit in a warm and supportive tone of voice: “You need to live your life in a more mature way,” Sautner said. “Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work. I don’t expect to see you again.”

Damnit. Scratch my previous statement. We do want to say that. This bitch was drunk driving last week, and got involved into a hit and run, but since nobody pressed charges, the judge had to say “Oh, lilo, you and your harmless shennanigans! Stop being so naughty sistah!”

And Lindsay, of course, had to talk out of her ass in order to give the whole joke that is the law a good punchline:

“I just want to say thank you for being fair,” Lohan, who wore a teal-colored suit with her hair in a bun, told the judge. “It’s opened a lot of doors for me, so I really appreciate it.”

Fair? Are you fucking kidding me?! You commit the same crime over and over again, instead of doing time you only need to show up in court every now and then, you even fail to do that most of the times, and you say the Judge is being fair?. What a cunt, I wonder what the people doing time for far less think about the fairness of this.

I also wonder what doors is she talking about. The only movie she has coming out this year so far is a comedy with Rob Schneider, and she isn’t even the lead actress. I reckon she’s talking about the coolest coke dealer in town, or maybe Peter North’s door.