Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook

March 29, 2012

This is one of those bits of news that shouldn’t surprise anyone by now. According to People Magazine:

As long as she stays out of trouble, Lindsay Lohan’s days in criminal court have finally come to an end.

Nearly five years after the first of her two DUI arrests – and after multiple stints in rehab, at least five trips to jail and a necklace theft case – Lohan, 25, has satisfied her probation terms in her drunk driving case.

“She has done everything this court has asked of her,” Judge Stephanie Sautner said Thursday.

She’s such a responsible person. After you get arrested multiple times for drunk driving, the state of California will demand you go to rehab for a few days and start drinking and driving again as soon as you get out. Either that, or they tend to forgive everything if you’re rich and famous. But we don’t want to say that the system doesn’t work when it comes to celebrities, do we?

the judge did give the actress a final warning, albeit in a warm and supportive tone of voice: “You need to live your life in a more mature way,” Sautner said. “Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work. I don’t expect to see you again.”

Damnit. Scratch my previous statement. We do want to say that. This bitch was drunk driving last week, and got involved into a hit and run, but since nobody pressed charges, the judge had to say “Oh, lilo, you and your harmless shennanigans! Stop being so naughty sistah!”

And Lindsay, of course, had to talk out of her ass in order to give the whole joke that is the law a good punchline:

“I just want to say thank you for being fair,” Lohan, who wore a teal-colored suit with her hair in a bun, told the judge. “It’s opened a lot of doors for me, so I really appreciate it.”

Fair? Are you fucking kidding me?! You commit the same crime over and over again, instead of doing time you only need to show up in court every now and then, you even fail to do that most of the times, and you say the Judge is being fair?. What a cunt, I wonder what the people doing time for far less think about the fairness of this.

I also wonder what doors is she talking about. The only movie she has coming out this year so far is a comedy with Rob Schneider, and she isn’t even the lead actress. I reckon she’s talking about the coolest coke dealer in town, or maybe Peter North’s door.



Kelly Brooke Is Disappointing

March 26, 2012

I used to post a lot of pictures of Kelly Brooke in previous versions of this blog, so I thought it was weird that in almost two months of this new one, she didn’t appear even once.

I searched around and I found the answer: She hasn’t done any photoshoots that I’m aware of, and she doesn’t know how to dress when she goes out. Seriously. Pink pants? What is she, twelve?

Screw this. I’ll leave you with the pictures, but don’t expect anything mind blowing.

January Jones Denies Being A Witch

March 26, 2012

While she did look the part of Emma Frost in ‘X-Men: First Class’, her acting skills were kinda lacking. So how did she get the part? Probably through witchcraft. The Hollywood Coven is everywhere, people. Everywhere.

If you want proof, here it is. She recently had a child, and guess what’s her diet? She tells People Magazine:

“I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation.”

You read right: Jones is eating her own placenta. “Your placenta gets dehydrated and made into vitamins,” she explains. “It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas.”

Jones has taken the capsules every day since right after she had her son, and also anytime she feels tired or down. Jones insists, “It’s not witch-crafty or anything! I suggest it to all moms!”

Then she proceded to walk around Malibu, turning soccer moms into cookies that she later feeds to the children in order to fat them up. But there’s nothing witch-crafty or weird about that either. It’s just the high from the vitamins.


Kendra Wilkinson Resurrected

March 26, 2012

In case you don’t remember who Kendra Wilkinson is, she’s one of the bimbos who used to be Hugh Heffner’s girlfriend a few years ago. And she had a reality show on E!. You know, the one about three chicks who flashed her tits to strangers, had pillow fights and then flashed her tits some more.

She’s been kinda missing ever since Heffner kicked her out. According to one of my turkeys, it’s because without the high tech GPS from the Playboy mansion, Kendra took out the trash once, and then didn’t remember how to go back inside.

But here she is, hosting a party in Vegas. By hosting I mean that nobody knows who she is, but there’s free drinks, so fuck it, lets attend.

Photos via Wenn

Kim Kardashian Gets Covered In Cocaine

March 23, 2012

“What?! What do you mean it was just cooking flour, Parker!?. I’m trying to sell a newspaper here! Now, get out there and don’t come back until you have pictures of Spiderman throwing cocaine at celebrities!” — J. Jonah Jameson

But that’s exactly what happened. Kim Kardashian was walking the red carpet, during the presentation of her new perfume (yes, she makes those too) and some psycho crazy bitch threw a bag of flour at her. Via TMZ

Kim was at the London Hotel in West Hollywood for an event touting her new fragrance line, True Reflection.  She was walking the red carpet when a woman threw the white powder at her from behind, covering her back and her hair.  During the incident, the attacker shouted, “Fur hag.”

Fur Hag? That does sound like a Spiderman villain. But I don’t think Kim K. has the brains to be a criminal mastermind.

In any case, one would think that she made a big deal out of this. But nope. She just continued with the event “out of respect” and later on she actually talked to TMZ

Kim Kardashian says the woman who attacked her with flour last night is nothing more than a “bully”

— “If you’re trying to promote nonviolence towards animals … why are you trying to be violent towards humans?”

First Miley Cyrus, and now Kim Kardashian are the ones who make sense about how people should behave in a society. Holy fuck it is the end of the world for sure.

PETA Vs Snooki And JWoww

March 23, 2012

What the fuck. Two posts about the two Jersey morons in less than an hour. This must be some kind of record.

But in this case, it’s not about them. It’s about the retards at PETA jumping against them because they dyed their dogs. According to E Online

PETA is not amused by the reality stars turning puppies pastel…

“Dyeing a companion animal’s fur causes the animal stress and can lead to complications or allergic reactions that endanger the animal’s health,” a rep for the animal rights organization told E! News. “Our dogs and cats love us regardless of how we look; we should extend the same kindness to them.”

Yeah, I bet it causes a lot of stress. The dog would look in the mirror and go “Oh noes! Now Bozo, the Pitbull from across the street will never want to hump me again!” *slith her paws and bleeds to death*

Alergies? Ok, except that it’s been proven that they are very rare.

The funny thing here: You know what causes stress and health issues to animals? Being in PETA shelters. They keep them confined and kill 90% of their population every year “for lack of funds”. I don’t know, but I reckon I’d rather be purple than dead.

Go fuck yourself, PETA.


Snooki And JWoww Are Moms Now

March 22, 2012

Yeah, well. Not real ones. But Snooki is pregnant, so the producers of the show decided it was a good idea for both of them to start practicing. Why? Well, probably because they are morons.

I reckon one of the excercises will include one of them going “I’m peeing my self!” then tossing the baby in the air, and the other one needs to be ready to cath it. Because I’m sure something like that will happen with the real baby.

In any case, here are some pictures of the two idiots with their fake babies walking around Jersey City. Pictures via TMZ


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