Jennifer Love Hewitt Hunts With Food Now

April 11, 2012

Because she’s a favorite in the site and she’s completely bananas, here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt wacky moment of the week!

Last month she was on Maxim, and said she didn’t know why men didn’t hit on her. But don’t worry, crazy bitches are adaptable creatures and she has a new strategy to lure men into her paws and the hell of marriage. She tells US Weekly

“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck,”  “Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!'”

Oh, crap. We’re fucked guys. The next thing we’ll know is that she’ll be placing giant boxes all over the city, and as soon we grab the Big Mac under them we’ll be trapped. Then she’ll wait until we’re cold, and hungry and offer to super-size the next one if we marry her.

But her strategies don’t end there. She adds:

“I love Booty Parlor’s Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Breath Spray,” she says. “You never know when a make-out moment is coming!”

“I told you! Make-out only after I finish my burger, woman!”

Basically: She stuffs you with food and then makes you want to fuck her. She has all the bases covered it seems. If it was me, with a sandwich would be enough for going steady, at least for a month. But it’s good to know that she’s aiming higher.

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Anne Hathaway Is A Little Boy Now

April 11, 2012

I always hated women with short hair, they need to have a very special type of face to pull it off, and Anne Hathaway doesn’t have it. The weirdest part is that she comes from playing Catwoman in the next Batman film, and the Catwoman in the comics does have short hair, and she’s super hot.

Fuck. That made me look like a complete geek, didn’t it?. I swear, I don’t read comics, someone just told me. Yeah! That’s it. Phew! That nerdy looking guy who just happened to pass by gave me this info.

In any case, it seems like a big deal, because she can’t stop rubbing her head. I can understand the feeling, it happened to me, once. Except that in my case I shaved my balls. And it itched. And for some reason if you’re scratching your junk near a highschool people will call the police.

But enough about me, the point here is that she looks awful. I bet Batman would say “Screw you Selina, I’d go fuck Talia and have a kid with her, you suck!”

Wait. How did I know that? Geez! Shut the fuck up you random nerd who walks by and tells me shit I don’t care about!

 


Lindsay Lohan Is Off The Hook

March 29, 2012

This is one of those bits of news that shouldn’t surprise anyone by now. According to People Magazine:

As long as she stays out of trouble, Lindsay Lohan’s days in criminal court have finally come to an end.

Nearly five years after the first of her two DUI arrests – and after multiple stints in rehab, at least five trips to jail and a necklace theft case – Lohan, 25, has satisfied her probation terms in her drunk driving case.

“She has done everything this court has asked of her,” Judge Stephanie Sautner said Thursday.

She’s such a responsible person. After you get arrested multiple times for drunk driving, the state of California will demand you go to rehab for a few days and start drinking and driving again as soon as you get out. Either that, or they tend to forgive everything if you’re rich and famous. But we don’t want to say that the system doesn’t work when it comes to celebrities, do we?

the judge did give the actress a final warning, albeit in a warm and supportive tone of voice: “You need to live your life in a more mature way,” Sautner said. “Stop the nightclubbing and focus on your work. I don’t expect to see you again.”

Damnit. Scratch my previous statement. We do want to say that. This bitch was drunk driving last week, and got involved into a hit and run, but since nobody pressed charges, the judge had to say “Oh, lilo, you and your harmless shennanigans! Stop being so naughty sistah!”

And Lindsay, of course, had to talk out of her ass in order to give the whole joke that is the law a good punchline:

“I just want to say thank you for being fair,” Lohan, who wore a teal-colored suit with her hair in a bun, told the judge. “It’s opened a lot of doors for me, so I really appreciate it.”

Fair? Are you fucking kidding me?! You commit the same crime over and over again, instead of doing time you only need to show up in court every now and then, you even fail to do that most of the times, and you say the Judge is being fair?. What a cunt, I wonder what the people doing time for far less think about the fairness of this.

I also wonder what doors is she talking about. The only movie she has coming out this year so far is a comedy with Rob Schneider, and she isn’t even the lead actress. I reckon she’s talking about the coolest coke dealer in town, or maybe Peter North’s door.

 


Katy Perry Is Dating Again, Afraid Of Blade Runner

March 21, 2012

This is all pretty shady if you ask me. I’m sure she understood that I have a strong relationship with Gina, and I’m glad she decided to go back into the game. But is it really her?

I mean, seriously. According to these pictures she’s not a human, she’s a replicant from Blade Runner.

In any case Sean Young wannabe  Katy was in Paris with her new boyfriend, Baptiste Giabiconi. According to The Sun

They met during Paris Fashion Week earlier this month — a year after 22-year-old Baptiste vowed to wed Katy, as soon as she split from then-husband Russell Brand.

He told a fashion magazine: “If I could make her divorce her husband, I’d marry her.”

So the guy is a complete douchebag. I reckon Jennifer Love Hewitt is banging her head against a wall yelling “Why can’t I find someone like that!” and then she’ll try to force strangers to marry her at gun point. It will be a massacre, every man runs away from Jen, she’s bat-shit crazy.


Lindsay Lohan Pays For Sex Now, Apparently

March 21, 2012

Alex Torres is pretty known in the porn industry by the nickname “Voodoo”, mostly because he bangs chicks while sky diving. But being known in the porn industry, isn’t the same as being a celebrity.

Well, he found the way to become one, by using Lindsay Lohan. Radar Online reports

“Ask him [Michael Lohan] if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs,” Voodoo says. “I’m not joking!”

Not only does Voodoo claim to have had “relations” with Lindsay, but he makes it sound like she paid him.

“Many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come and satisfy them. I’m not joking!” he says.

To clarify, host Jim Richards says, “So you’ve been with Lindsay Lohan?”

“I’m saying that,” Voodoo confirms.

 

I’d believe anything when it comes to Lindsay. But this is a crock of shit if you ask me. If it was true, Michael Lohan would be all over the place blaming his ex-wife for his daughter’s behavior by now. Then it would be a huge media fight for a few weeks — Because that’s the way you make money by squeezing on your daughter’s fame.

And the story would end with Lindsay saying: “I’m not that person anymore, I’ve grown” And five minutes later she’d be knocking on Peter North’s door with a load of cash.

 


Jessica Simpson Is Pregnant Too Much

March 20, 2012

In case you didn’t know, Jessica Simpson has been pregnant for years or somethig.  But having an extra brain in her body doesn’t mean she stopped being a complete moron.

She was at Jimmy Kimmel Live last night, and said all those bautiful things that people want to know about pregnancy. According to US Weekly 

“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha!” Simpson laughed. “Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Quickly everyone! We’ll need lots of wood and two animals of each species if we want to build this ark and save the world!

But don’t fret, I’m starting to doubt that she’s a pregnant human being. For some reason that I can’t quite point out, when I look at this picture I’m pretty sure she’s just a dwarf on the way to the Lonely Mountain.

 


Lady Gaga Doesn’t Care About Me

March 16, 2012

Believe it or not, Gaga doesn’t pay attention to what I say. Which is a shame, because if more women did what I tell them to, the world would be a better place. And my sex life would be awesome!

In any case, she’s cutting herself off the media. This was supposed to be an exclusive on Oprah, but the awesome people of Page Six spoiled it. I love those guys. (via Page Six)

Gaga chose to make the announcement of her hiatus to Oprah, in an “Oprah’s Next Chapter” interview to air Sunday.

“Other than this interview, Oprah, I do not intend to speak to anyone for a very long time,” explains Gaga. “No press, no television.”

“Even if my mom calls and says, ‘Did you hear about…’ I shut it all off,” she said. “I don’t read a damn thing.”

As you can see,  when I said she was a “Weirdo with an ugly face” it was too much. It affected her deeply. It’s ok Gaga, I meant it as a joke. I would go out with you, as long as you assure me you don’t have anything weird in your vagina.

 

In any case, here are some pictures of her with that weirdo Lindsay Lohan stalks. To be fair, she doesn’t look that bad in these, but her lazy eye is fucking distracting.


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