Alexander Skarsgard Is Smooth

February 29, 2012

Elizabeth Olsen (the hot sister of the twins and who doesn’t look like a crack head) was at a Vanity Fair party when Alexander Skarsgard from True Blood came in and talked to her. Page Six reports:

A witness said, “They were talking in a corner, for a long time.” The fresh-faced “other Olsen” burst onto the film scene last year with “Martha Marcy May Marlene,” and has no fewer than six upcoming movies. “True Blood” hunk Skarsgard split with Kate Bosworth last year.

Wait… the news is that they were at a party and talked? What an outrage! Lets just pretend that after the chat, he sucked her blood and Neil Patrick Harris felt proud of it, or something like that. Unbelievable what passes for news these days.

 

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Snooki Is Pregnant

February 29, 2012

This comes as a suprise, because earlier this month she denied the pregnancy claims. And she wouldn’t lie, would she? Ok, maybe, if there’s money involved. Page Six reports:

Though she has publicly denied she’s expecting, sources say trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.”

In her defense, she doesn’t know how to control what comes out from her vagina, so I doubt she can control what comes inside of it.  She also doesn’t know what pregancy means, because “it’s one of those fancy words that you learn at school y’all!”


Katy Isn’t Over Me Yet, Gonna Get Punched

February 28, 2012

My relationship with Katy Perry wasn’t that weird. She just wanted to marry someone who was more into meth than booze. It was a friendly breakup.

But now she’s divorced and I’m with Gina Carano, so there wont be any rebound sex from my part. (sure, she has great tits, but so does Gina, so why would I risk it?)

In any case, Katy is ready for a new guy, and she’s going for the best help possible. According to Hollywood Life:

“Katy has been very upset about the divorce,” a source tells us. “She never expected it to end and now she’s dealing with the aftermath. But her friends are telling her to get back out there and date. They don’t want her to waste time being upset over Russell”

This “Source” guy is always on the dot. He better start talking about my huge penis if he wants to make things sound realistic.

The source added that Katy’s good friend Rihanna is trying to get Katy to go out more and meet people.

Sounds like they are going to watch a lot of boxing. In 3d or something. The more realistic the better. Rihanna once told me she made a mistake by setting me up with Gina Carano. She figured that since I don’t have any broken ribs we’re not meant for each other.

 


Seth Rogen Teaches Billy Crystal How To Host

February 28, 2012

I was going to put this on Dirty Paws, but since it includes monumental amounts of celebrity bashing I figured it was better for the Turkey.

In case you didn’t know, the Oscars were on Sunday and it was a borefest. Billy Crystal is regarded as a great host for some reason, and even though he has years of experience in hosting such events, he becomes less funny every minute.

Seth Rogen, on the other hand, had no experience hosting anything but parties with awesome weed. And while you can notice his lack of experience in hosting an award ceremony, he pretty much nailed it during the Independent Spirits Awards (Which unlike the Oscars, they nominate good movies and you can use the word “fuck”)

Lets just let the guy speak for himself.


Chris Brown Week Recap

February 24, 2012

Basically, Chris Brown used to date Rihanna. Then they broke up because he thought it was very manly to smash her face against a car window. And that’s the end of the story.

No, wait. It isn’t.

First, he joked about it in order to get a chick’s phone number, and then, it turned out he recorded a crappy song with Rihanna. Wait, what?

Oh, yeah. Some chicks are fucking stupid and forgive anything. Especially if it’s to make a song that every moron will love, including Perez Hilton, who didn’t stop tweeting about it for about half an hour.

Love conquers all, this is the best song of all time and bullshit like that. Go fuck yourself, Perez. Although the last time Perez went so crazy about a song, he ended up being punched by Will I Am from the Black Eyed Peas, which meant he ended up making this video.

Anyways, Not everyone is as retarded as Perez Hilton or Rihanna, and a few pretty much called Brown out. First it was Miranda Lambert, who raised a sign stating “Take Notes Chris Brown” during a concert. Only to sing a song about a woman who  fantasizes about killing her abusive husband. I’d say that’s a win.

Not enough? Good. Because it gets better:

WWE Champ CM Punk tweeted something about it, Chris Brown replied trying to sound “gangsta” and now he’s fucked, because CM Punk will very calmly beat the shit out of him if he dares to jump in the ring. I don’t like WWE to be honest, but I wouldn’t mess with CM Punk. Here’s the video where he gently explains how he’ll leave Brown in the hospital if the asshole accepts to have a clean fight. Double win.


Friday Morning With Busted Hacker

February 24, 2012

Nothing ever happens on Oscar week, so it’s not a big deal. But, both the site’s twitter and e-mail accounts were hacked during the week, so if you got weird messages that’s the reason why.

 

First time I don’t need to use the “I was really drunk” excuse. Nice! In any case, one of my turkeys got into the case and found the responsible of such an outrage. It turned out to be some vengeful corgi, trying to pull off the “Kris Williams analyzing evidence” look.

 

What a douchebag. He’s being taken care of in the basement.

 

 

 


The Spice Girls Are Returning (Maybe)

February 21, 2012

This is just  a rumor started on E Online because one the five chicks said something in Twitter. Obviously, that E makes everything over the top. But it could be true, because this continues:

The Answer Bitch got a very valid question: Who the fuck would pay to see them? But they need to keep fueling the rumor, so here are some of her answers (full pile of bull here)

First of all, the amount of cash the Spice Girls made on their first tour is not a bad indicator of possible future demand. After all, the girls already had one reunion tour in 2007 and 2008, and it grossed reported $70 million.

And they sold 75 million of their first album alone. Then I think they launched a few more and made a movie. And I’m not even counting the shows. Amazing how this chicks are still the same success!

(note: I’ll let you pick whether I know those numbers because I just checked, or if I’m the president of the fans club)

“All the people that bought tickets and albums the first time around are still out there,” says Ray Waddell,(It’s not like this would be a Glenn Miller reunion tour, after all; the teens who once loved the Spice Girls circa 1997 are now pushing 30, not 80.)”

Brilliant logic. The 12 to 15 public from 97, who went either because they were horny or because they wanted to be like them would still go.  I’ll just assume it’s more like: They are out of college, working, getting married and having children. Not watching a bunch of washed up biches.

 

Unless they change the name to “Spice MILFS” In which case I might go too.

 

The question is more about how hot they are. And they are not THAT hot anymore. But don’t fret, fellow fans! There’s always a solution in the dark arts of Joan Rivers and his lover, Satan! So they will be just as hot. Proof included:

 


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