John Travolta Is Not Gay!

May 11, 2012

In case you didn’t notice, I’ve been away for a while. And I know what you’re thinking, I was probably in jail getting in a serious relationship with my jailmate Bubba. But the truth is far more boring;

Connectivity issues and someone saying I posted a picture I wasn’t supposed to. So lets start with a bang and say some shit that will get me in trouble with the scientologists’ lawyers, shall we?

This started on Monday, when a male masseuse filed a lawsuit against Travolta for sexual harrassment. I could go into details and even post scans of the suit itself, but this was Monday, so if you haven’t seen the whole “bouncing erect penis” all over the media, you don’t deserve the hilarity.

In any case, a few days ago a second guy came out to say the same thing — Travolta is a male cougar I guess! And on top of things, a third man jumped into the bandwagon today. According to Radar Online:

Chilean-born Fabian Zanzi alleges Travolta accosted him while he was working on the Royal Caribbean cruise ship in 2009

Zanzi told South American news website ABC.es that Travolta said, “He had something on his neck. I thought it was a fuzz. As I approached, he took off his white coat and was naked. He hugged me and asked me to do a massage.” Zanzi alleges that Travolta offered $12,000 to have sex with him, but he says he refused.

And I call bullshit on this one, because if Travolta wanted to fuck this guy, he would’ve pointed out the window. Why? Well, because that’s where Xenu would’ve been waiting in order to freeze him until Travolta was done sodomozing him for the greater good. I think. I’m not entirely sure on what scientologists believe, but I bet it’s kinky.

In any case, here’s a picture that proves that John Travolta isn’t gay. He’s more interested into spaceship shaped cake. Nothing gay about it.

 

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Alicia Silverstone Thinks She’s A Bird

April 11, 2012

A few days ago, I stumbled on a website that claimed that Alicia Silverstone regurgitates the food in her son’s mouth. You can read that sentence again all you want,you read it right the first time.

But, since I haven’t seen that site before, I simply figured they were like The Sun, that when there’s nothing to report they just come up with preposterous bullshit. So I decided not to write about it, because this blog is about serious journalism, right?

In any case, now Radar Online confirms this story:

Alicia Silverstone makes no apologies for the video in which she chewed up food and fed her 11-month-old son Bear Blu mouth-to-mouth.

Because naming your son Bear Blu isn’t denigrant enough, you also have to spit chewed food in his mouth and film it. But she continues!

 “People have been feeding their kids that way for thousands for years. It’s a weaning process. It’s just a thing that has been going on for thousands of years and I didn’t think I was inventing anything…”

I don’t know what kind of people hang around with this bitch, or what type of  books she grabbed, because I’m pretty sure people don’t do that. As far as I know people breast feed, then give the baby pureed food USING A FUCKING SPOON.

So my conclusion is that she bellieves to be a giant mutant bird. I can’t wait for next week, when she’ll say “I don’t regret throwing my baby from a tree, pigeons need to learn how to fly!” And then she’ll start flapping her arms and running around. But don’t fret, it’s Hollywood, so everyone will think it’s fucking normal.

Here’s a picture of her and her mom, which for some reason makes me think maybe I’m judging too much.


Kate Upton Is Awesome (Part Whatever)

April 11, 2012

Because I’m not a complete douchebag, I just showed you a zombie porn star that gives nightmares and I want to redeem myself. And since I haven’t had Kate Upton featured in a while. Here she is, dressed as a  bunny, playing with her tits, getting easter eggs between them and playing around some more.

I’m pretty sure this fixes all the bullshit I’ve posted today.


Jenna Jameson Lost It

April 11, 2012

While Christie Brinkley is looking hotter than ever at the age of 58, I can’t say the same for Jenna Jameson, who is 20 years younger.

I have nothing against porn, but for fuck’s sake, she looks like the premiere of the third season of The Walking Dead. This is kinda depressing, because she used to be really hot, like in these NSFW pictures

I know, the Howard Stern movie came out 15 years ago, but that means she had to spend all those years on heroin and crack to look like this.

Fuck it.

I got a full batch of these pictures, but who’d want to look at them. So here’s the only good thing that could come out from the whole ordeal. It’s pretty much like Snow White.

 


Christie Brinkley Seriously Still Has It

April 11, 2012

I’m pretty sure you all think I’m a fifteen year old, but the truth is, I’m thirty two and really immature. I had to accept that eventually.

My point is, I’m old enough to remember who the fuck is Christie Brinkley. She was the hot blonde driving the Ferrari in the “National Lampoon’s Vacation” movies. At least in two. She’s certainly in the one when Chevy Chase was still funny and in another one where he already was a hack.

But I digress, the point here is that people my age probably jerked off more than once to this woman. And I have to say, she kinda looks hotter now? She’s fifty eight years old, people, and she does look like this.

Screw it. Here are the pictures, I’ll take a couple to the bathroom and be young again.


Jennifer Lawrence Hates Animals

April 11, 2012

 

She probably doesn’t hate animals, but that’s what the morons at PETA are claiming now. This all started with an interview in the latest Rolling Stone Magazine were she said: (via the Huffington Post)

She recounts her on-screen squirrel-skinning scene in the 2010 movie “Winter’s Bone.”

“I should say it wasn’t real, for PETA. But screw PETA,”

Awesome. Because seriously, screw PETA. I’m really starting to love this chick. Of course, these morons have lit firecrackers in their asses, so when they found out she said that, they had to reply with something stupid! Right? Right.

In response to the actress’s comment, PETA president Ingrid Newkirk told Gothamist, “[Lawrence] is young and the plight of animals somehow hasn’t yet touched her heart. As Henry David Thoreau said, ‘The squirrel you kill in jest, dies in earnest.’ We are told that this squirrel was hit by a car, but when people kill animals, it is the animals who are ‘screwed,’ not PETA, and one day I hope she will try to make up for any pain she might have caused any animal who did nothing but try to eke out a humble existence in nature.”

Oh, just shut the fuck up. You make some hyperbolic hippy statement that makes no sense and you want to be taken seriously? Fuck you, Ingrid. Seriously, go fuck yourself somewhere in the woods and stay there, you are worthless scum.

She claims that the squirrel was killed in a fucking accident, then she goes on about how Jennifer Lawrence should attone for the harm she has caused? What the fuck does that even mean?!

Lawrence deserves a monument. A golden statue of herselff. Naked. And I should be allowed to touch it. Maybe spoon with it too at night. And I better stop right there because I’m getting more creepy than usual.

 

 


Site Update And The Retarded Policeman

April 3, 2012

I’m pretty sure nobody noticed the lack of posts last week, but truth be told: There wasn’t many.

I can make up a lot of really good excuses which would involve sex, my huge penis and Sofia Vergara. Unfortunatelly, you would call my bluff and I’d look retarded.

Speaking of which: Here’s one of the latest episodes of Retarded Policeman, the creepy and hilarious web-show starring Josh “Ponceman” Perry. I could make a  point on how wrong it seems to have a guy with down syndrome making graphic cum jokes, but that would make me an idiot because the guy is perfectly aware of what he’s doing as an actor. Enjoy!

 


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