Gwyneth Paltrow Explains How to Spend Valentine’s Day

What would I do without Gwyneth? If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have a healthy imaginary relationship with Gina Carano. And that would break my heart, because I’m in love.

So lets disect her instructions for the perfect Valentine’s Day. (via GOOP)

This week’s newsletter is not for you. It’s for your other half. We’re giving them some tips and tricks on how to please you not just on this holiday, which happens to fall on a Tuesday, but every day

So, print, cut below on the dotted line and leave it somewhere they can easily find. They’ll get the hint.

Awesome. By hint she means that men should obey her orders by the minute. Relationships are like signing up for the Army, guys!

Surprise them by pre-loading a playlist onto their Ipod (or getting a mix onto whatever device they use to listen to music) with whatever songs are significant to you two. You’ll be on their mind throughout their morning run, commute, etc. Here are a few love songs we, well, love.

Great advice. I’ll just go and grab Gina’s cellphone without any respect for her privacy, and add some Rammstein songs to it. She’s going to love the fact that I’ll delete anything related to Adele in it. I’m so romantic.

While breakfast in bed on a Saturday is lovely, breakfast in bed on a weekday is completely unexpected, and truly special. We’ve listed some super-simple recipes for even the most culinarily-challenged that can be prepared in five minutes or less to bring some unexpected romance to an otherwise normal day. 

This one is awesome. Because then she tells you the ingredients for an omelette and orange juice. You go Gwyneth! Thank God  we have you, otherwise we’d have to turn to not waking up at seven, and simply order a romantic themed breakfast that so many companies offer. You are a peach.

Set an alarm on their phone to go off at this time that tells them to check their 1. pant pocket 2. wallet pocket 3. purse pocket, or whatever place you think they would not have naturally checked by now. In this pocket, you have placed either a love note, tickets to a play/movie/event that evening, a gift card to their favorite store, or an address and time of where and when they should meet you for a surprise evening activity of your choice.

“Gina, love of my life: If you think this note is romantic, wait until you see what’s inside MY pants waiting for you to grab it.” So far so good. And I don’t think she’ll mind that I disrespected her privacy twice by now.

Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet. Maybe these arrive via delivery. Maybe you deliver?

Then she explains how to cut little hearts and wrap flowers. She then goes on to reccomend sex books and kits that include oils and feathers. I’ll Just throw some cooking oil on her and then have a pillow fight. That sounds better than this crap. But I do hope Gwyneth keeps blogging, because her shit is hilarious.

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